We did this 5 minute play in highschool about unrequited love. It was unmemorable bullshit for the most part, but the sentiment of unrequited love being the most enduring is something I never really let go of.
Now, I'm not saying that I am in unrequited love with some fella or lady. There's been the occasional cute-guy-in-high-school or guy-with-nice-music-taste (or taste in books or clothing)-who-i-feel-inferior-to-and-will-instead-fantasize-over. Those folks don't mean nothin' in the scheme of a life.
And I've also been the crushed upon who refuses to move beyond the first date or hanging out drunk but too scared to make a move. For that, I'm mostly glad that I held out for the relationship that has made me a happier, chubbier and funnier lady. The apologies have been made to the right person(s). Absolution: achieved.
I just think that the whole idea of never truly expressing feelings in either direction makes a lot of relationships keep going in all sorts of funny directions.
I have friends who say "I love you" frequently and seriously. I don't do that. I reserve that for family, boyfriend and maybe the 2 or 3 folks I've known my whole life. Even those 2 or 3 might have to get me drunk for any such truth. That's not to say that the phrase "I love you" carries such an intense weight that I wouldn't want to superfluously dump it upon my dearest friends. It's got very little weight to People throw it around like the emotion of loving is easy. Caring is easy. Compassion is a bit harder. Love...my god. Maybe it's the cheapening the ol' ILY that makes me want to keep it limited to those that are most likely obligated to loving me. That throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-bus mentality isn't easy or applicable to even my some of my oldest friends. I don't want it to be given and not reciprocated if it is that important.
That's not to say that I don't have a powerful desire for the happiness of my friends. There's several folks for whom I would drop everything to make their lives easier in some way. I don't know if that transcends romantic love or just places my feelings for my friends into a whole different spectrum of emotions. There's this feeling of transience with my Troy friends that keeps me from ever really admitting to the encouragement they bring to my life. Never in my life have I surrounded myself with people who have willingly accepted my petty, selfish, uncouth and codependent ways. Certainly I'm a better person for having known them but I know that in a year and a half I'll be on the way to new friendships in strange lands. So if I never express it in any other way, I hope this is enough to make me feel alright about never expressing how I feel verbally.
That's that. One day I'll blog straight humor or nonsense instead of these wacky feelings.
IN OTHER NEWS: I'm going to bed in an hour. Whoops, no research tonight.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment