6-1

Even though I feel incredibly silly for doing this, I'm going to go with it. Anyone who knows me well enough to read my blog knows about my brother Mike. He is one his way home now and soon we will be able to put things in their proper place and try to move on.

For anyone wanting more details, here are the news reports we've been able to find.

http://www.stwnewspress.com/crimebeat/x1059040505/Autopsy-ordered-on-body-found-in-Stillwater
http://www.stwnewspress.com/crimebeat/x1085946671/Stillwater-man-found-dead-had-been-stabbed
http://newsok.com/suspicious-deaths-puzzle-stillwater-police/article/3434595
http://newsok.com/stillwater-body-prompts-police-investigation/article/3434693

I posted them chronologically because the police and media learned the same things as us at about the same times. The hardest thing about the past few days has been fielding phone calls from police and medical investigators. Everything is, and will likely remain, unknown. I think people are going to believe what they want, but as of late there is no exact determination about whether it was suicide, homicide or an accident. No matter what caused this, it doesn't matter. Mike was a wonderful guy and he will be missed regardless of any circumstances.

The one positive thing I can derive from this experience is knowing that my family and I are loved beyond anything we can fathom. We have been fed, held, comforted and consoled by so many people. Even those who never had the benefit of knowing Mikie have dropped everything to make sure we are okay. For that, I am grateful.

Everyone asks if there is anything they can do to help. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I know there are a few things people can do that will help me. Take care of yourself and everyone you love. Wear your seat belt, don't drink and drive, cut out the drugs and booze, tell your family and friends you love them, keep in touch--- do the little things that can make a difference between life and death and happiness and sadness. Brush your teeth and don't think you know everything there is to know. Value everything you take for granted. Forgive your grudges. Never, ever, ever stop searching for your absolute happiness. Try to make peace with your eventual death and know that no one is outside of it. Know, like I am trying to, that shaking your fists at the sky and trying to blame someone isn't going to change the fact that you and everyone you know is only allowed a brief few moments of life. Find what makes you happy and utilize it but never at the expense of those you love. Help them find their happiness too. Accept that all these platitudes I'm spilling out ARE true and necessary.

Along with just generally taking care of yourself, take care of me. I'm not good at asking for help and sympathy freaks me out. With that being said, I still need help and sympathy. I am the weakest I have ever been and I don't expect people to understand how I feel, act or think. The effort of trying to be there is enough to let me know all hope isn't lost. Don't let me wallow in sorrow forever, make me go out and try and live life. But don't think that I want to live normally for awhile. Right now, I can't foresee wanting to go out and party much. I can't see myself being the same ever again, but I want to preserve whatever part of my happiness I can.

And, finally, don't attempt empathy. Just like I cannot feel what you feel or relate to your life experience...you cannot to mine. There is such a lack of mutual understanding among people that hearing "My brother's cousin died when I was 13 and I can totally relate to what you're going through." I know you're attempting to bridge tragedy with tragedy, but it is not doing anything. Right now, I need to feel that this pain is exclusive to myself and my family. I need to feel like it is not just some bump in the road. Mike's death is catastrophic in the terms of how my life will be hereafter. My plans are all different, from where I will go to school and what I will choose to do with my life. Every day and week and month are now significant for new reasons. This whole year will be the year I lost someone I feel I hardly knew but loved and needed so badly. Everything is not alright, and that's part of some new fucked up normal that I don't understand.

I've said too much already. I love you guys.